April 26, 2015

Hello,

This is the first entry I have done like this, and originally this is what I wanted my blog to be for; a place for me to rant about the things in my life that are bothering me, or what's been going on in my life lately. I seem to have fallen into the category of wanting to blog about too many things. I will fix that. Hopefully. Let me not make promises I can't actually keep.

It is April, and it was my birthday on the 20^th, it wasn't that different from any normal day. It was honestly kinda shit, but I still got a cake and some presents, and other people have less so I'm still grateful.

What really bothered me about it was that I always try extra hard to make other people's birthdays special; I make them cakes, try to give them good surprises, but it felt like no one really cared on my birthday, and like they didn't even bother.

Other shit I have going on is the realisation that at 21, I am not doing what I wanted to be doing at this age. I feel like I have a lot of potential and instead of fulfilling it, I'm just sat around waiting for a miracle.

I still haven't done my A-Levels, and as someone who values intellect and education, especially as a woman, I feel ashamed that I've effectively put myself in this position.

I want to do a lot, but I'm limiting myself and trying to please other people.

The main problem is that I don't want to disappoint my mother. I know that going to Uni will mean moving to another country and living alone, and my mother; like any other parent, worries.

I don't know if its because she doesn't think I can handle living and working alone, or if its that she doesn't trust me, or thinks I'm too naive or nice, and will be taken advantage of, but it really bothers me, and usually, I'm really open with my mother, but this topic, I don't know how to open.

I have exams in May for my A-Levels. Sadly, I'll only be doing one exam in AS psychology, which is my passion, and something I want to study in university.

I'm really worried that I won't do well, just like any other person. The main reason I'm worried is that my mother will think that I'm not serious enough and won't let me move to England.

We have a deal, that I can move to London, but I don't think that she will follow through, especially not when my older brother is struggling there.

The deal was that when I get my two year residency here in Algeria, I can move back to London, we'll see what happens there.

Something else on my mind, is that my best friend and I want to start a business, and I can't do that halfway across the world and with virtually no budget, and the only thing we can do is try to make it work.

The business that we want to start basically started, like anything else, with an idea. I love bath bombs and cosmetic things for the bath and shower, but what I love more is home-made things. I don't really like putting too many chemically manufactured things on my skin, and I prefer natural things that are organic and straight from the source. Also, things that smell like heaven!

My best friend, Anna, knows this, and she made me some home-made bath bombs for when I go back to London as a present.

And I loved the idea.

So I decided, that we should see about selling them, because I felt there was potential is this market and I want to create something with her that we can both be proud of. But then, we hit a road block. We need to have all our products tested and certified by a cosmetic chemist, who will say whether or not our products are safe for public use.

This costs money. Money we could put into our products. Money we don't have.

It's not too big of an issue, but then we come back to the fact that I'm in another country and I can't do anything until I'm back in London, which has effectively put us on holt.

But we wont give up, and we will do this, eventually, because we want to.

Other than those major things, there are a couple other things, but I won't get into them until I have reached some kind of decision on how to deal with them, and who to share them with.